Infertility Support Group

I did it!  I've found an Infertility Support Group in my area, have contacted the administrator of this group and will be attending my first meeting in September.  For anyone out there reading this and struggling with infertility, Resolve.org is an excellent resource and can get you connected with the help you need!  I'm quite nervous about attending this group, but know this is something I need to do.  It's about time I step out of my comfort zone and seek help and support.  No, I AM NOT ALONE (even though most days it sure feels like it!)

Stop Being Selfish

Now that I've gotten a few things off of my chest I'm hoping today will be better.  Actually, I'm determined to feel better today.  Mind over matter...  TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY!

I'm back to blogging in hopes one day I can look back on this and realize the pain and suffering I went through so as to relate to others in a similar situation.  My end goal is to become an advocate for infertile couples.  First, I must get to a healthy place myself and accept the things I cannot control... and I'm working on that.  I still have too much sadness and anger!  Lots of work to do!

I was proud of myself last night.  Instead of letting my phone go to voicemail when a pregnant friend called, I answered the phone, sucked it up and had a conversation about her baby.  I expected it to dominate the conversation... she is about to bring a healthy baby boy into this world and that's all I'd want to talk about too!  I got over my selfishness and answered the freaking phone call and put on a happy face and talked to my friend.  While I expected the conversation to be dominated by "baby talk" it did not.  My friend knows about my struggles and she was sensitive to them.   She did not push me to talk, however, and that felt good.   I've learned how to turn conversations into talking about how my "endometriosis" is going instead of how my lack of baby making is going.  Talking about my endometriosis is safe for me.  Talking about being infertile is not yet safe for me.  I cried after the conversation, but felt so much better about the fact I was able to face reality.  I did not hide from it!  I refuse to be the person that doesn't celebrate the joy of others... no matter how much it hurts me inside to be surrounded by the one thing in life I want so desperately yet can't have, I will not be the person that shuts everyone else out of my world.

I have THREE good friends who are pregnant (two of them were bridesmaids in my wedding).  Yes, I'm surrounded by it.  My sister is now trying for her second child.  She got pregnant the first month of trying with her first.  Will she be pregnant soon?  OF COURSE!  I've got to get over this!  I can't compare myself to others!  Just because I have to struggle doesn't mean they should have to struggle!  No matter how badly this is going to hurt me, I have to be happy for her!  I'm crying now just thinking of the strength I'm going to need for this.  Do I have it?!?  I'm not sure that is even a question.  I MUST have it and will find a way to cope.  That is what a strong woman does.  I AM STRONG!  Mind over matter... TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY!

Under the Knife

To catch you all up on the happenings in my infertile world I must write a post on what has happened in the past couple of months.  My RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) had a high suspicion I have endometriosis and suggested I undergo a laparoscopy which would be both a diagnostic tool and treatment all in one.  He also suggested I undergo a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp in my uterus.  I took his advice and went to an outpatient surgery center and had both procedures done under general anesthesia at the end of June.  He was correct, I have endometriosis.  I do not, however, have a severe case of it.  He called it a "mild" case and only had to remove endometrial tissue from a few places in my abdominal cavity.  He stated he has high hopes for me and that everything looks "structurally sound".  Well, if it were so 'structurally sound" then why in the heck has it been 16 months and I'm not pregnant?!?  Long story short... I have some answers but still many more questions.  I'm trying to stay positive, but some days it's just REALLY FREAKING HARD to do!  I'm so tired of pregnancy announcements.  I'm tired of not being able to truly be happy for others when they announce they're expecting.  I'm tired of being jealous of them.  I'm tired of sometimes feeling resentful towards others.  I can't lie to myself anymore... YES, I DO FEEL RESENTFUL!  I want to be happy for others, but I hurt so much inside that I sometimes am forbidden from this emotion.  I'm drained.  Some days I think I'm depressed... other days I think I'm doing an amazing job of staying positive.  This emotional roller coaster needs to end! Please Universe... Please.... Please help me to get pregnant or give me the strength to continue this ride....

FAILURE

It sickens me to count how many months I've FAILED to conceive, but I know I must... It's been 16 months of failure.  Yes, FAILURE.  I feel like such a failure.  I'm currently experiencing AF, who happened to come on with a vengeance.  What is wrong with me?  I'm so sick and tired of this!  I want a child so badly I'd give up anything in the world to have it!  Why can't I be like every body else and get pregnant after a few months of trying.  If we had been successful like the average couple, we'd have an infant in our arms right now!  I've never cried over something so much in my entire life.  I can't even tell people about my infertility problems because I know I will burst into tears... so what do I do instead?  I keep it all in and then explode with emotion when I can no longer contain it.  That's why I'm back to blogging!  It helped me in the beginning and I'd like for it to help again.


I've cut out alcohol, caffeine and  eat only organic meat (no red meat or pork for 4 months).  I exercise more regularly and eat much healthier.  I'm not overweight and never have been.  I'm 5'6 and weigh 145-150 pounds depending upon the day.  I see plenty of obese women getting pregnant, so why can't I?

I'm dying to get a second dog!  My husband is on the fence.  I need to love something!  I need to expand my family in any way I can!  I'm 32 years old and a part of my life is missing!  I'd love to start the adoption papers, but my husband isn't ready for that yet either.  I'm capable of so much love... why can't I have a child?!?  Is this some EVIL JOKE someone is playing on me?  Sometimes I wish I could wake up and this would all end up being a nasty nightmare... and my life could resume with a beautiful family full of kids, dogs, and joy!

I'm so tired of experiencing these GOD AWFUL periods.  It's such a slap in the face to realize that not only have I failed YET AGAIN, but I have to suffer horrible cramps with very heavy bleeding.  Ughhhhh!  FAILURE!

Sorry... just having a rough day and needed to get some things off of my mind...

Honestly Feeling Bad

To be perfectly honest, I feel like HELL today!  I went to bed early last night hoping to get a good night's rest and wake up in a better mood.  That certainly didn't happen.  I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but knew I had to because I had been lying there for 12 hours. 

I'm depressed today.  Raw Emotions:  Disappointed, Discouraged, Sad, Desperate, Crushed, Confused, Disheartened, Anxious, Scared, Angry, Guilty

Not only do I have my own natural hormones working against me... PMS... my period started today.  I also had my follow-up appointment with the fertility specialist who recommends a hysteroscopy for the removal of the polyp/fibroid in my uterus and a laparoscopy to diagnose and possibly treat endometriosis (uterine tissue growing outside of the uterus).  I've read most endometriosis is diagnosed when a woman realizes their infertile.  I've always known my periods were heavy and painful, but that's how they've always been and I had nothing to compare them to so I thought it must be normal.  In addition, I was on birth control pills for  most of my adult life and therefore suppressed any type of symptom.  

I'm truthfully almost sick to my stomach in fear.  Fear of the unknown... of whether or not this surgery will even help my chances of becoming pregnant.  I'm scared of disappointing my husband.  This is looking to actually be MY issue and he has to suffer the consequences.  I feel as though I should have tried to have kids earlier and maybe none of this would have been an issue... my disease would not have been serious enough to cause problems with fertility.  Now I have to coordinate with the surgeon's schedule and miss work (3 day recovery period after surgery) and I'm just down right SAD, MAD, and SCARED.  

I always hold onto the hope... well maybe if I just don't get my period and get pregnant, I won't have to go through any of this.  Yeah, of course I got my period TODAY!  It's just another SLAP IN THE FACE!  Look, I'm vulnerable... anyone else want to come take advantage of the situation and kick my around a bit? slap me in the face?  Take all of my hope away?  

Now, to try and get a better mindset today.  Yoga!  I'm going to yoga at the gym.  I already have lunch planned with some friends, so will try not to cry during our lunch.  It's a good thing I already have plans and will be held accountable to them because otherwise I'd allow myself to be a hermit and stay inside all day!

Back to the Doc

I have another appointment with my fertility specialist today.  This appointment will determine the direction we are going.  I'm thrilled because my husband is able to join. He was suppose to be in DC for work, but is instead joining me for the appointment.  It is, OUR decision, after all!  

This is the work-up we've done so far:

1) Semen Analysis on my husband - normal

2) Blood work on me - normal

4) Vaginal Ultrasound - normal

4) HSG - fallopian tubes are non obstructed and both open, however, there is a mass (fibroid v. polyp) in my uterus that most likely needs to be removed.

The appointment today, I'm assuming, will discuss the necessity for removal and our next plan of action.  At my last appointment the Doctor mentioned clomid with IUI as a possible next step.  He also discussed the possibility of doing a laparoscopy to diagnose and treat endometriosis since I have many of the symptoms (extremely heavy and painful menses).  My concern is that my insurance suddenly drops coverage involving fertility the minute I start fertility treatment.  Thus far, it has been diagnostic work, which my insurance covers.  I need to figure out whether or not they'll cover my laparoscopy for endometriosis unrelated to infertility.  Endometriosis is a very serious medical condition and I think it's quite unfair of the insurance companies to not cover this procedure even if someone has attempted Clomid or some other type of fertility drug.  It just doesn't make any sense to me and in fact makes me quite ANGRY!  Insurance companies are essentially telling women they're not concerned with their suffering.  Do you think the people working for these insurance companies ever get screwed over by their own insurance provider?  They must!  So sad!

Anyway, not going to let insurance drag me down... I'm going to continue to fight this battle with all of my might, courage, and strength.  

I'm thinking about trying fertility acupuncture... anyone ever tried it?

Non-Mother's Day

I remember last year at this time when my husband and I were in the first few months of trying to conceive a child and thinking, next year will be so wonderful when we celebrate Mother's Day for the first time as parents.  Well, that obviously didn't come to fruition.  We are still childless!  This is my first Mother's Day knowing my husband and I are dealing with infertility issues.  To say dealing with infertility is a life crisis is an understatement.  I've never cried over something so much in my life... and it's a cycle... every month... it keeps going and going and going!  Disappointment, frustration, anger, fear, sadness...  I still struggle telling people.  I'm afraid they'll view me as a failure, pass judgement upon me, or belittle my feelings and not understand how difficult this journey is for me.  The worst is when they tell you, "it could be worse... you could have cancer!"  I'm also tired of hearing, "if you just let it go, it will happen."   Not true!  The grief of infertility has been likened to that of cancer patients.  I choose to embrace my infertility and proactively fight to overcome it... I will NOT "let it go!"  


If you know someone who is struggling with infertility... please be sensitive to them today!  This is a very difficult day for us!  I've already had a good cry with Shrink on the way to the grocery store purchasing flowers for my one sister who has decided not to have children.  This day might also be difficult for her.  I'm also feeling a little guilty about passing up church with my husband.  I told him it was too hard for me to go to church where everyone brings their children on Mother's Day and the sermon honors all of the Mothers.  It pulls on my heart strings and I need to protect myself today.


To all of my friends and family who are Mothers... I do sincerely wish you a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!  I've already sent out my texts to friends telling them how fabulous they are!  It's hard for me to pick up the phone because I'm vulnerable today, but I won't take this day away from them!  For myself, I wish myself a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY for that child that lives in my heart. The one I can't wait to meet!  One day...

A New Day

I went to a Women's Goal Setting Workshop last evening hosted by a good friend and someone who has helped me tremendously through this Journey as my Life Coach (not quite sure how I would have survived this without her!) and woke up this morning feeling re-energized.  I set four goals for myself over the next year....

The workshop started with, "If you woke up on Christmas morning and could have absolutely anything in the world, what would you want?"  Of course my answer is, I WISH FOR A CHILD... TO BE PREGNANT!  I knew, however, that could not be one of my goals as I am now coming to terms with the fact I have little control over that and must re-focus my goals to help deal with the loss of control I have over the situation.  So, instead I wrote:

1) To Pay off my Student Loan Debt by the end of 2012 - this is a goal I know I can do and will allow more financial freedom and flexibility in spending!  Can we say, trip to the Caribbean Islands with the extra $ when it's all said and done?... yes, please!

2) Balance - Mental and Physical (i.e. less stress)  I'm prone to stress, I have a stressful job as a critical care nurse, and I'm anxious about the future.  I have a tendency to expect the worst and hope for the best.  I grew up looking at the world through the lens of a "glass half empty" mentality.  Well, guess what... that's gonna change!  This is what my life coach has been helping me do... along with some literature I'm reading daily that a dear friend sent me (she's also the one who made me start liking yoga)  Oh... I really do have amazing friends and family.  My sister knew I was having a bad day... feeling extremely discouraged and defeated... so she brought over a bag of bath salts, bubble bath, and an ovulation detector kit... her note read, "Relax, it WILL happen"  Another friend told me she has a sticky note on her dresser mirror with my name on it in which she continues to keep me in her prayers...  Just thinking about these acts of kindness and love is making me tear up!  I'm encouraged by them and will certainly return the favor!  Lots more on this in future posts...

3) Exercise Regularly - Just need to take my lazy butt to the gym more often.  I did so well when I was training for a race... now I've just been a slacker.  I need to do more yoga to achieve the goal of mental and physical balance.  Spiritual balance too!

4) Help others who are struggling - I do this at my workplace (I'm a nurse!) but I'd love to expand it to what I am now passionate about... women's infertility!  I'm currently working on helping myself, but I realize I'm passionate about helping others as well and maybe, just maybe by sharing my journey... others can relate to these experiences and realize they are NOT ALONE!  Their feelings are real and validated.  It is okay for them to have bad days... actually, I think it's quite healthy to have those days when you're sad or mad... it means you're processing your emotions and staying true to them!  What I don't want, however, is for us to fall into the VICTIM category!  We must stay positive and take this hardship as an opportunity to build our strength.  We are STRONG WOMEN!  I will help others!

Don't Ask!

I was asked yesterday if I'm pregnant... not because I have a little bump in my belly, but because this particular person knew we were trying to conceive a child.  If there's one question right now I can't stand to be asked, well, it's that one!    

 Are you pregnant?  

Oh it sends chills down my spine!  Every time, I feel the little lump in the back of my throat form while fighting off the reddened glassy eyes about the shed a tear and politely reply, "No, I'm not."  What I really want to say is "GOD DAMN IT, DID YOU REALLY JUST HAVE TO ASK ME THAT?  DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M F'ING PREGNANT?  IF I WERE, TRUST ME, I'D BE ANNOUNCING IT TO THE DAMN WORLD!  OF COURSE YOU'D KNOW BY NOW, SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T ASK ME THAT AGAIN!"  Luckily, I'm quite a polite person and would never say such a thing!  I know, it's not their fault and they have no idea the anxiety, angst, frustration, and disappointment I go through over and over each month.

The hardest part continues to be the lack of control I feel I have over my body!  The unknown...

On a side note... I feel my period coming on.  Please say a little prayer for me that it's not true!  And if it is true... I'll say a little prayer to continue to give me the strength to deal with this journey, the courage to share it with others, and the power to stay positive about the future!

Two Week Wait = HOPE!

It's that time of the month again... the Two Week Wait!  We've done everything we possibly can do to conceive and now we just wait.  It's an interesting time for me... on the one hand I'm relieved the "trying" is over and I still have two more weeks of pure freedom (like I've said before, "trying" turns into a job!), yet I dread the moment when I realize my period has come and we've been, YET AGAIN, UNSUCCESSFUL!  It always makes me very emotional and I yearn for a good cry with Shrink.

I'm tired of getting jealous when I see a woman and her adorable little pregnant baby bump at the grocery store, or when friends post pictures of their precious kids online, or when the next coworker or friend announces they're pregnant, or when you realize you're the only person at the Mother's Day Picnic that isn't actually a mother (other than mothering my doggie, but they don't understand that!), or when you find out someone is pregnant by accident (wtf, they didn't even try!), or when...ok, ok I'll stop!

So, in these moments I'll continue to hold onto HOPE and think positively (or at least try!)  I say a little prayer each night and hope this will be the month!  Yes, God... I do appreciate life more now than you could ever imagine.  Must I continue this journey of emotional lability?  Please, just please let my husband and I bring a baby into this world!

Now, I feel  like I'm begging and a little desperate...  ;)  So here it goes... THE TWO WEEK WAIT!  

The Surge...

I should be studying for a certification exam I'll be taking soon, but instead I'm out there in the twitter and blogger world trying to find inspiration and make myself feel better about my infertility.  It's a safe world right now because I can remain anonymous, yet still find support from others... people who are going through similar circumstances.  In my anonymous world I find others who share words of hope, encouragement, and advice.  This, in turn, helps to give me a sense of inner peace knowing I'm not the only one fighting this battle of infertility.  I am Not Alone! (I credit this saying to Resolve.org!)

Back to THE SURGE... so I pee on a stick every morning!   It's a digital ovulation detector kit that starts on day 5 of your cycle and you pee on it every day until you have your LH (lutenizing hormone) surge and it reads "YES"!  I got my "YES" this morning and what did I say aloud?  "YES!!!!"  Last month it was positive on day 10 and this month it's day 18.  There's obviously nothing regular about this girl's cycle ;)

This means my husband and I need to get busy!  It's too bad he's out of town today and I won't be home from work until around midnight.  Tomorrow morning then... Yes, sex does become a job and it's nearly impossible for me to keep it spontaneous... more on that in another blog post.  In the meantime, send the positive fertility energy our way because we need to conceive!

I Believe...

I will Conceive!  Yes, I believe I will conceive... yes, I'm mid cycle and I believe I will conceive.  This is what I try to convince myself each month during the time I should be having an LH surge and release of an egg ready to be fertilized.  I've gone through this 13 times already... but I refuse to think anything less.

What concerns me is that I'm on day 17 and I still haven't had my LH surge... last month, I surged on day 10.  Go figure!?  Either, way I'm not going to give up hope or let my frustrations overtake my positive thinking.  So let's all sing along... I BELIEVE I WILL CONCEIVE!

My Shrink

So many revelations, therapeutic moments, tears shed, laughter spread, songs sung with the help of my Shrink!  And by "shrink"... I mean my car!  If I need to blow off some steam I take a ride in your car, turn the tunes up as loud as they can go, and sing until my lungs are depleted of all air!

I do see a fertility specialist, have a life coach along with supportive friends and family to help me through my journey with infertility...  however, I'm just not quite sure how I'd survive this journey without my shrink.

I cried yesterday on the way home from my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and cried again on the way home from work this morning (only because I could!).  I'm overwhelmed with where this journey has taken me... how many doctor's appointments are in my near future, the strain it will and has had on our financial situation, the people I'm still hiding this from and need to tell,  the emotional roller coaster I experience each month where I start with hope, proceed with excitement, and end with frustration and disappointment.  I must admit I'm feeling much better after my time with Shrink this morning.  Maybe running a 5K on the treadmill afterwards also had something to do with it... but still... expressing your raw emotions and releasing the energy through a good cry is certainly quite helpful and therapeutic for me.

Now, go find yourself a good SHRINK! ;)

New Facebook Profile Pic... An Empty Uterus

So how do we first find out someone is "expecting" these days?  They post the picture of the ultrasound image on Facebook for everyone to see the adorable little fetus!  I totally understand... they're ecstatic expecting parents who want to share it with their friends and the WORLD!  I'm thinking about updating my Facebook profile to show the image of the vaginal ultrasound I just had at the Doctor's office today... an image of a uterus sans fetus.  A lonely uterus :( That's right folks... I'm INFERTILE!  It's National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and I'm tempted to share it with the world, but I'll spare everyone of having to state at my uterus.  It's quite tempting though...

My First Visit to a Fertility Specialist

I had my first appointment with a Fertility Specialist today.  How am I feeling? Raw Emotions: Relieved, Scared, Open, Skeptical, Not Alone, A Statistic, Why Me?, Confused, Nervous, Somewhat Encouraged.  It's your typical Emotional Roller Coaster!  

I was proud of myself... I didn't cry during the appointment, but remained objective and professional.  I waited for the car ride home to let my emotions escape me!  I find my car the most therapeutic place to shed a few tears or release a belly jolting, hyperventilating weep.  The name of my car: Shrink!

So far, we do not have an explanation for the infertility.  My husband's semen analysis was normal and my blood work was normal.  The ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus appears normal as well.  My periods are mostly regular (every 26 to 32 days) and according to these results, I should be ovulating normally.  

Tomorrow I'm scheduled for a HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM (HSG).  Fancy word, huh!?!?  Try saying that 5 times in a row!  It's a dye study using x-rays to help outline the interior of my uterus and fallopian tubes to look for any obstruction or abnormalities.  I'm encouraged because we've not found anything wrong thus far, but also discouraged because that doesn't explain why I'm not yet pregnant.  Why?   I've often wondered, is this some evil joke God is playing on me? 

My Doctor is concerned I might have endometriosis.  This diagnosis has been on the back of my mind for some time now due to my extremely painful and heavy periods.  The likely next step if the HSG test is normal is to have laparoscopic surgery for a diagnosis and treatment of endometriosis.  

So many things to think about!  I don't like discussing the finances of this, but my insurance doesn't cover any of the infertility treatment costs.  Luckily, they do pay for some of the diagnostic costs, but they do not, however, pay for the treatment or any medications.  My husband and I will do what it takes to make ends meet while also striving for a healthy, happy baby!  If that means picking up extra hours at work then I'll gladly do it. 

Anxiously awaiting the HSG tomorrow...

365...

It has now been 365 Days of trying to conceive... what is the significance of this?  According to medical experts, my husband and I can now officially be diagnosed as infertile.  We have been trying for an entire year to conceive a child by having frequent, unprotected sex and have been unsuccessful in our endevours.

How does this make me feel? Raw Emotions: Ashamed, Inadequate, a Failure, Sad, Confused, Angry, Anxious, Stressed, Unwomanly, Scared, Fearful, Numb, Jealous, Insecure, Resentful, Desperate, Unstable.  It has been nothing shy of an Emotional Roller Coaster!


 It's disheartening to read the statistics saying that 60% of couples conceive within the first 6 months of trying, and 75% within the first 9 months.  Finally, 90% of couples conceive within 12 months of trying... Okay, so my husband and I are unique.  We require assistance from a specialist and my first appointment is tomorrow.  This doesn't make the emotions go away.  These raw emotions started developing after about 4-5 months of trying to conceive and have magnified in intensity over the last 7-8 months. 


I'm sharing my journey and this blog with you all in hopes of turning a negative situation into one that is positive and helpful for others who might be going through a similar situation... or know someone going through this struggle so they may be of assistance in their healing and transformation.  I will come out of this situation STRONGER, BOLDER, HEALTHIER and ready to help others!

I want others to know it is OK to have these raw emotions, but instead of allowing them to swallow you up in self pity... use them as your ammunition, your ignition, your motivator to create change.  The change is within yourself to take this experience and learn from it.  Learn to appreciate challenges and how they help you find a better appreciation for yourself and others.  Learn to take this time to become introspective and develop your strengths and identity.  My journey is to NOT TAKE ON THE IDENTITY OF BEING AN INFERTILE WOMAN INCAPABLE OF CONCEPTION.  Like any human being, I have my good days and my bad days.  I welcome your input, encouragement, advice, constructive criticism, and wisdom.  My appreciation for life has grown tremendously and I'm enthusiastic about sharing this with others!  I'm hoping the appointment with the Fertility Specialist tomorrow goes well...