Honestly Feeling Bad

To be perfectly honest, I feel like HELL today!  I went to bed early last night hoping to get a good night's rest and wake up in a better mood.  That certainly didn't happen.  I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but knew I had to because I had been lying there for 12 hours. 

I'm depressed today.  Raw Emotions:  Disappointed, Discouraged, Sad, Desperate, Crushed, Confused, Disheartened, Anxious, Scared, Angry, Guilty

Not only do I have my own natural hormones working against me... PMS... my period started today.  I also had my follow-up appointment with the fertility specialist who recommends a hysteroscopy for the removal of the polyp/fibroid in my uterus and a laparoscopy to diagnose and possibly treat endometriosis (uterine tissue growing outside of the uterus).  I've read most endometriosis is diagnosed when a woman realizes their infertile.  I've always known my periods were heavy and painful, but that's how they've always been and I had nothing to compare them to so I thought it must be normal.  In addition, I was on birth control pills for  most of my adult life and therefore suppressed any type of symptom.  

I'm truthfully almost sick to my stomach in fear.  Fear of the unknown... of whether or not this surgery will even help my chances of becoming pregnant.  I'm scared of disappointing my husband.  This is looking to actually be MY issue and he has to suffer the consequences.  I feel as though I should have tried to have kids earlier and maybe none of this would have been an issue... my disease would not have been serious enough to cause problems with fertility.  Now I have to coordinate with the surgeon's schedule and miss work (3 day recovery period after surgery) and I'm just down right SAD, MAD, and SCARED.  

I always hold onto the hope... well maybe if I just don't get my period and get pregnant, I won't have to go through any of this.  Yeah, of course I got my period TODAY!  It's just another SLAP IN THE FACE!  Look, I'm vulnerable... anyone else want to come take advantage of the situation and kick my around a bit? slap me in the face?  Take all of my hope away?  

Now, to try and get a better mindset today.  Yoga!  I'm going to yoga at the gym.  I already have lunch planned with some friends, so will try not to cry during our lunch.  It's a good thing I already have plans and will be held accountable to them because otherwise I'd allow myself to be a hermit and stay inside all day!

Back to the Doc

I have another appointment with my fertility specialist today.  This appointment will determine the direction we are going.  I'm thrilled because my husband is able to join. He was suppose to be in DC for work, but is instead joining me for the appointment.  It is, OUR decision, after all!  

This is the work-up we've done so far:

1) Semen Analysis on my husband - normal

2) Blood work on me - normal

4) Vaginal Ultrasound - normal

4) HSG - fallopian tubes are non obstructed and both open, however, there is a mass (fibroid v. polyp) in my uterus that most likely needs to be removed.

The appointment today, I'm assuming, will discuss the necessity for removal and our next plan of action.  At my last appointment the Doctor mentioned clomid with IUI as a possible next step.  He also discussed the possibility of doing a laparoscopy to diagnose and treat endometriosis since I have many of the symptoms (extremely heavy and painful menses).  My concern is that my insurance suddenly drops coverage involving fertility the minute I start fertility treatment.  Thus far, it has been diagnostic work, which my insurance covers.  I need to figure out whether or not they'll cover my laparoscopy for endometriosis unrelated to infertility.  Endometriosis is a very serious medical condition and I think it's quite unfair of the insurance companies to not cover this procedure even if someone has attempted Clomid or some other type of fertility drug.  It just doesn't make any sense to me and in fact makes me quite ANGRY!  Insurance companies are essentially telling women they're not concerned with their suffering.  Do you think the people working for these insurance companies ever get screwed over by their own insurance provider?  They must!  So sad!

Anyway, not going to let insurance drag me down... I'm going to continue to fight this battle with all of my might, courage, and strength.  

I'm thinking about trying fertility acupuncture... anyone ever tried it?

Non-Mother's Day

I remember last year at this time when my husband and I were in the first few months of trying to conceive a child and thinking, next year will be so wonderful when we celebrate Mother's Day for the first time as parents.  Well, that obviously didn't come to fruition.  We are still childless!  This is my first Mother's Day knowing my husband and I are dealing with infertility issues.  To say dealing with infertility is a life crisis is an understatement.  I've never cried over something so much in my life... and it's a cycle... every month... it keeps going and going and going!  Disappointment, frustration, anger, fear, sadness...  I still struggle telling people.  I'm afraid they'll view me as a failure, pass judgement upon me, or belittle my feelings and not understand how difficult this journey is for me.  The worst is when they tell you, "it could be worse... you could have cancer!"  I'm also tired of hearing, "if you just let it go, it will happen."   Not true!  The grief of infertility has been likened to that of cancer patients.  I choose to embrace my infertility and proactively fight to overcome it... I will NOT "let it go!"  


If you know someone who is struggling with infertility... please be sensitive to them today!  This is a very difficult day for us!  I've already had a good cry with Shrink on the way to the grocery store purchasing flowers for my one sister who has decided not to have children.  This day might also be difficult for her.  I'm also feeling a little guilty about passing up church with my husband.  I told him it was too hard for me to go to church where everyone brings their children on Mother's Day and the sermon honors all of the Mothers.  It pulls on my heart strings and I need to protect myself today.


To all of my friends and family who are Mothers... I do sincerely wish you a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!  I've already sent out my texts to friends telling them how fabulous they are!  It's hard for me to pick up the phone because I'm vulnerable today, but I won't take this day away from them!  For myself, I wish myself a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY for that child that lives in my heart. The one I can't wait to meet!  One day...

A New Day

I went to a Women's Goal Setting Workshop last evening hosted by a good friend and someone who has helped me tremendously through this Journey as my Life Coach (not quite sure how I would have survived this without her!) and woke up this morning feeling re-energized.  I set four goals for myself over the next year....

The workshop started with, "If you woke up on Christmas morning and could have absolutely anything in the world, what would you want?"  Of course my answer is, I WISH FOR A CHILD... TO BE PREGNANT!  I knew, however, that could not be one of my goals as I am now coming to terms with the fact I have little control over that and must re-focus my goals to help deal with the loss of control I have over the situation.  So, instead I wrote:

1) To Pay off my Student Loan Debt by the end of 2012 - this is a goal I know I can do and will allow more financial freedom and flexibility in spending!  Can we say, trip to the Caribbean Islands with the extra $ when it's all said and done?... yes, please!

2) Balance - Mental and Physical (i.e. less stress)  I'm prone to stress, I have a stressful job as a critical care nurse, and I'm anxious about the future.  I have a tendency to expect the worst and hope for the best.  I grew up looking at the world through the lens of a "glass half empty" mentality.  Well, guess what... that's gonna change!  This is what my life coach has been helping me do... along with some literature I'm reading daily that a dear friend sent me (she's also the one who made me start liking yoga)  Oh... I really do have amazing friends and family.  My sister knew I was having a bad day... feeling extremely discouraged and defeated... so she brought over a bag of bath salts, bubble bath, and an ovulation detector kit... her note read, "Relax, it WILL happen"  Another friend told me she has a sticky note on her dresser mirror with my name on it in which she continues to keep me in her prayers...  Just thinking about these acts of kindness and love is making me tear up!  I'm encouraged by them and will certainly return the favor!  Lots more on this in future posts...

3) Exercise Regularly - Just need to take my lazy butt to the gym more often.  I did so well when I was training for a race... now I've just been a slacker.  I need to do more yoga to achieve the goal of mental and physical balance.  Spiritual balance too!

4) Help others who are struggling - I do this at my workplace (I'm a nurse!) but I'd love to expand it to what I am now passionate about... women's infertility!  I'm currently working on helping myself, but I realize I'm passionate about helping others as well and maybe, just maybe by sharing my journey... others can relate to these experiences and realize they are NOT ALONE!  Their feelings are real and validated.  It is okay for them to have bad days... actually, I think it's quite healthy to have those days when you're sad or mad... it means you're processing your emotions and staying true to them!  What I don't want, however, is for us to fall into the VICTIM category!  We must stay positive and take this hardship as an opportunity to build our strength.  We are STRONG WOMEN!  I will help others!

Don't Ask!

I was asked yesterday if I'm pregnant... not because I have a little bump in my belly, but because this particular person knew we were trying to conceive a child.  If there's one question right now I can't stand to be asked, well, it's that one!    

 Are you pregnant?  

Oh it sends chills down my spine!  Every time, I feel the little lump in the back of my throat form while fighting off the reddened glassy eyes about the shed a tear and politely reply, "No, I'm not."  What I really want to say is "GOD DAMN IT, DID YOU REALLY JUST HAVE TO ASK ME THAT?  DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M F'ING PREGNANT?  IF I WERE, TRUST ME, I'D BE ANNOUNCING IT TO THE DAMN WORLD!  OF COURSE YOU'D KNOW BY NOW, SO PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T ASK ME THAT AGAIN!"  Luckily, I'm quite a polite person and would never say such a thing!  I know, it's not their fault and they have no idea the anxiety, angst, frustration, and disappointment I go through over and over each month.

The hardest part continues to be the lack of control I feel I have over my body!  The unknown...

On a side note... I feel my period coming on.  Please say a little prayer for me that it's not true!  And if it is true... I'll say a little prayer to continue to give me the strength to deal with this journey, the courage to share it with others, and the power to stay positive about the future!

Two Week Wait = HOPE!

It's that time of the month again... the Two Week Wait!  We've done everything we possibly can do to conceive and now we just wait.  It's an interesting time for me... on the one hand I'm relieved the "trying" is over and I still have two more weeks of pure freedom (like I've said before, "trying" turns into a job!), yet I dread the moment when I realize my period has come and we've been, YET AGAIN, UNSUCCESSFUL!  It always makes me very emotional and I yearn for a good cry with Shrink.

I'm tired of getting jealous when I see a woman and her adorable little pregnant baby bump at the grocery store, or when friends post pictures of their precious kids online, or when the next coworker or friend announces they're pregnant, or when you realize you're the only person at the Mother's Day Picnic that isn't actually a mother (other than mothering my doggie, but they don't understand that!), or when you find out someone is pregnant by accident (wtf, they didn't even try!), or when...ok, ok I'll stop!

So, in these moments I'll continue to hold onto HOPE and think positively (or at least try!)  I say a little prayer each night and hope this will be the month!  Yes, God... I do appreciate life more now than you could ever imagine.  Must I continue this journey of emotional lability?  Please, just please let my husband and I bring a baby into this world!

Now, I feel  like I'm begging and a little desperate...  ;)  So here it goes... THE TWO WEEK WAIT!  

The Surge...

I should be studying for a certification exam I'll be taking soon, but instead I'm out there in the twitter and blogger world trying to find inspiration and make myself feel better about my infertility.  It's a safe world right now because I can remain anonymous, yet still find support from others... people who are going through similar circumstances.  In my anonymous world I find others who share words of hope, encouragement, and advice.  This, in turn, helps to give me a sense of inner peace knowing I'm not the only one fighting this battle of infertility.  I am Not Alone! (I credit this saying to Resolve.org!)

Back to THE SURGE... so I pee on a stick every morning!   It's a digital ovulation detector kit that starts on day 5 of your cycle and you pee on it every day until you have your LH (lutenizing hormone) surge and it reads "YES"!  I got my "YES" this morning and what did I say aloud?  "YES!!!!"  Last month it was positive on day 10 and this month it's day 18.  There's obviously nothing regular about this girl's cycle ;)

This means my husband and I need to get busy!  It's too bad he's out of town today and I won't be home from work until around midnight.  Tomorrow morning then... Yes, sex does become a job and it's nearly impossible for me to keep it spontaneous... more on that in another blog post.  In the meantime, send the positive fertility energy our way because we need to conceive!

I Believe...

I will Conceive!  Yes, I believe I will conceive... yes, I'm mid cycle and I believe I will conceive.  This is what I try to convince myself each month during the time I should be having an LH surge and release of an egg ready to be fertilized.  I've gone through this 13 times already... but I refuse to think anything less.

What concerns me is that I'm on day 17 and I still haven't had my LH surge... last month, I surged on day 10.  Go figure!?  Either, way I'm not going to give up hope or let my frustrations overtake my positive thinking.  So let's all sing along... I BELIEVE I WILL CONCEIVE!