Infertility Support Group

I did it!  I've found an Infertility Support Group in my area, have contacted the administrator of this group and will be attending my first meeting in September.  For anyone out there reading this and struggling with infertility, Resolve.org is an excellent resource and can get you connected with the help you need!  I'm quite nervous about attending this group, but know this is something I need to do.  It's about time I step out of my comfort zone and seek help and support.  No, I AM NOT ALONE (even though most days it sure feels like it!)

Stop Being Selfish

Now that I've gotten a few things off of my chest I'm hoping today will be better.  Actually, I'm determined to feel better today.  Mind over matter...  TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY!

I'm back to blogging in hopes one day I can look back on this and realize the pain and suffering I went through so as to relate to others in a similar situation.  My end goal is to become an advocate for infertile couples.  First, I must get to a healthy place myself and accept the things I cannot control... and I'm working on that.  I still have too much sadness and anger!  Lots of work to do!

I was proud of myself last night.  Instead of letting my phone go to voicemail when a pregnant friend called, I answered the phone, sucked it up and had a conversation about her baby.  I expected it to dominate the conversation... she is about to bring a healthy baby boy into this world and that's all I'd want to talk about too!  I got over my selfishness and answered the freaking phone call and put on a happy face and talked to my friend.  While I expected the conversation to be dominated by "baby talk" it did not.  My friend knows about my struggles and she was sensitive to them.   She did not push me to talk, however, and that felt good.   I've learned how to turn conversations into talking about how my "endometriosis" is going instead of how my lack of baby making is going.  Talking about my endometriosis is safe for me.  Talking about being infertile is not yet safe for me.  I cried after the conversation, but felt so much better about the fact I was able to face reality.  I did not hide from it!  I refuse to be the person that doesn't celebrate the joy of others... no matter how much it hurts me inside to be surrounded by the one thing in life I want so desperately yet can't have, I will not be the person that shuts everyone else out of my world.

I have THREE good friends who are pregnant (two of them were bridesmaids in my wedding).  Yes, I'm surrounded by it.  My sister is now trying for her second child.  She got pregnant the first month of trying with her first.  Will she be pregnant soon?  OF COURSE!  I've got to get over this!  I can't compare myself to others!  Just because I have to struggle doesn't mean they should have to struggle!  No matter how badly this is going to hurt me, I have to be happy for her!  I'm crying now just thinking of the strength I'm going to need for this.  Do I have it?!?  I'm not sure that is even a question.  I MUST have it and will find a way to cope.  That is what a strong woman does.  I AM STRONG!  Mind over matter... TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY!

Under the Knife

To catch you all up on the happenings in my infertile world I must write a post on what has happened in the past couple of months.  My RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) had a high suspicion I have endometriosis and suggested I undergo a laparoscopy which would be both a diagnostic tool and treatment all in one.  He also suggested I undergo a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp in my uterus.  I took his advice and went to an outpatient surgery center and had both procedures done under general anesthesia at the end of June.  He was correct, I have endometriosis.  I do not, however, have a severe case of it.  He called it a "mild" case and only had to remove endometrial tissue from a few places in my abdominal cavity.  He stated he has high hopes for me and that everything looks "structurally sound".  Well, if it were so 'structurally sound" then why in the heck has it been 16 months and I'm not pregnant?!?  Long story short... I have some answers but still many more questions.  I'm trying to stay positive, but some days it's just REALLY FREAKING HARD to do!  I'm so tired of pregnancy announcements.  I'm tired of not being able to truly be happy for others when they announce they're expecting.  I'm tired of being jealous of them.  I'm tired of sometimes feeling resentful towards others.  I can't lie to myself anymore... YES, I DO FEEL RESENTFUL!  I want to be happy for others, but I hurt so much inside that I sometimes am forbidden from this emotion.  I'm drained.  Some days I think I'm depressed... other days I think I'm doing an amazing job of staying positive.  This emotional roller coaster needs to end! Please Universe... Please.... Please help me to get pregnant or give me the strength to continue this ride....

FAILURE

It sickens me to count how many months I've FAILED to conceive, but I know I must... It's been 16 months of failure.  Yes, FAILURE.  I feel like such a failure.  I'm currently experiencing AF, who happened to come on with a vengeance.  What is wrong with me?  I'm so sick and tired of this!  I want a child so badly I'd give up anything in the world to have it!  Why can't I be like every body else and get pregnant after a few months of trying.  If we had been successful like the average couple, we'd have an infant in our arms right now!  I've never cried over something so much in my entire life.  I can't even tell people about my infertility problems because I know I will burst into tears... so what do I do instead?  I keep it all in and then explode with emotion when I can no longer contain it.  That's why I'm back to blogging!  It helped me in the beginning and I'd like for it to help again.


I've cut out alcohol, caffeine and  eat only organic meat (no red meat or pork for 4 months).  I exercise more regularly and eat much healthier.  I'm not overweight and never have been.  I'm 5'6 and weigh 145-150 pounds depending upon the day.  I see plenty of obese women getting pregnant, so why can't I?

I'm dying to get a second dog!  My husband is on the fence.  I need to love something!  I need to expand my family in any way I can!  I'm 32 years old and a part of my life is missing!  I'd love to start the adoption papers, but my husband isn't ready for that yet either.  I'm capable of so much love... why can't I have a child?!?  Is this some EVIL JOKE someone is playing on me?  Sometimes I wish I could wake up and this would all end up being a nasty nightmare... and my life could resume with a beautiful family full of kids, dogs, and joy!

I'm so tired of experiencing these GOD AWFUL periods.  It's such a slap in the face to realize that not only have I failed YET AGAIN, but I have to suffer horrible cramps with very heavy bleeding.  Ughhhhh!  FAILURE!

Sorry... just having a rough day and needed to get some things off of my mind...