Now that I've gotten a few things off of my chest I'm hoping today will be better. Actually, I'm determined to feel better today. Mind over matter... TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY!
I'm back to blogging in hopes one day I can look back on this and realize the pain and suffering I went through so as to relate to others in a similar situation. My end goal is to become an advocate for infertile couples. First, I must get to a healthy place myself and accept the things I cannot control... and I'm working on that. I still have too much sadness and anger! Lots of work to do!
I was proud of myself last night. Instead of letting my phone go to voicemail when a pregnant friend called, I answered the phone, sucked it up and had a conversation about her baby. I expected it to dominate the conversation... she is about to bring a healthy baby boy into this world and that's all I'd want to talk about too! I got over my selfishness and answered the freaking phone call and put on a happy face and talked to my friend. While I expected the conversation to be dominated by "baby talk" it did not. My friend knows about my struggles and she was sensitive to them. She did not push me to talk, however, and that felt good. I've learned how to turn conversations into talking about how my "endometriosis" is going instead of how my lack of baby making is going. Talking about my endometriosis is safe for me. Talking about being infertile is not yet safe for me. I cried after the conversation, but felt so much better about the fact I was able to face reality. I did not hide from it! I refuse to be the person that doesn't celebrate the joy of others... no matter how much it hurts me inside to be surrounded by the one thing in life I want so desperately yet can't have, I will not be the person that shuts everyone else out of my world.
I have THREE good friends who are pregnant (two of them were bridesmaids in my wedding). Yes, I'm surrounded by it. My sister is now trying for her second child. She got pregnant the first month of trying with her first. Will she be pregnant soon? OF COURSE! I've got to get over this! I can't compare myself to others! Just because I have to struggle doesn't mean they should have to struggle! No matter how badly this is going to hurt me, I have to be happy for her! I'm crying now just thinking of the strength I'm going to need for this. Do I have it?!? I'm not sure that is even a question. I MUST have it and will find a way to cope. That is what a strong woman does. I AM STRONG! Mind over matter... TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY!