Thursday, April 26, 2012

My Shrink

So many revelations, therapeutic moments, tears shed, laughter spread, songs sung with the help of my Shrink!  And by "shrink"... I mean my car!  If I need to blow off some steam I take a ride in your car, turn the tunes up as loud as they can go, and sing until my lungs are depleted of all air!

I do see a fertility specialist, have a life coach along with supportive friends and family to help me through my journey with infertility...  however, I'm just not quite sure how I'd survive this journey without my shrink.

I cried yesterday on the way home from my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and cried again on the way home from work this morning (only because I could!).  I'm overwhelmed with where this journey has taken me... how many doctor's appointments are in my near future, the strain it will and has had on our financial situation, the people I'm still hiding this from and need to tell,  the emotional roller coaster I experience each month where I start with hope, proceed with excitement, and end with frustration and disappointment.  I must admit I'm feeling much better after my time with Shrink this morning.  Maybe running a 5K on the treadmill afterwards also had something to do with it... but still... expressing your raw emotions and releasing the energy through a good cry is certainly quite helpful and therapeutic for me.

Now, go find yourself a good SHRINK! ;)



Tuesday, April 24, 2012

New Facebook Profile Pic... An Empty Uterus

So how do we first find out someone is "expecting" these days?  They post the picture of the ultrasound image on Facebook for everyone to see the adorable little fetus!  I totally understand... they're ecstatic expecting parents who want to share it with their friends and the WORLD!  I'm thinking about updating my Facebook profile to show the image of the vaginal ultrasound I just had at the Doctor's office today... an image of a uterus sans fetus.  A lonely uterus :( That's right folks... I'm INFERTILE!  It's National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and I'm tempted to share it with the world, but I'll spare everyone of having to state at my uterus.  It's quite tempting though...

My First Visit to a Fertility Specialist

I had my first appointment with a Fertility Specialist today.  How am I feeling? Raw Emotions: Relieved, Scared, Open, Skeptical, Not Alone, A Statistic, Why Me?, Confused, Nervous, Somewhat Encouraged.  It's your typical Emotional Roller Coaster!  

I was proud of myself... I didn't cry during the appointment, but remained objective and professional.  I waited for the car ride home to let my emotions escape me!  I find my car the most therapeutic place to shed a few tears or release a belly jolting, hyperventilating weep.  The name of my car: Shrink!

So far, we do not have an explanation for the infertility.  My husband's semen analysis was normal and my blood work was normal.  The ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus appears normal as well.  My periods are mostly regular (every 26 to 32 days) and according to these results, I should be ovulating normally.  

Tomorrow I'm scheduled for a HYSTEROSALPINGOGRAM (HSG).  Fancy word, huh!?!?  Try saying that 5 times in a row!  It's a dye study using x-rays to help outline the interior of my uterus and fallopian tubes to look for any obstruction or abnormalities.  I'm encouraged because we've not found anything wrong thus far, but also discouraged because that doesn't explain why I'm not yet pregnant.  Why?   I've often wondered, is this some evil joke God is playing on me? 

My Doctor is concerned I might have endometriosis.  This diagnosis has been on the back of my mind for some time now due to my extremely painful and heavy periods.  The likely next step if the HSG test is normal is to have laparoscopic surgery for a diagnosis and treatment of endometriosis.  

So many things to think about!  I don't like discussing the finances of this, but my insurance doesn't cover any of the infertility treatment costs.  Luckily, they do pay for some of the diagnostic costs, but they do not, however, pay for the treatment or any medications.  My husband and I will do what it takes to make ends meet while also striving for a healthy, happy baby!  If that means picking up extra hours at work then I'll gladly do it. 

Anxiously awaiting the HSG tomorrow...





Monday, April 23, 2012

365...

It has now been 365 Days of trying to conceive... what is the significance of this?  According to medical experts, my husband and I can now officially be diagnosed as infertile.  We have been trying for an entire year to conceive a child by having frequent, unprotected sex and have been unsuccessful in our endevours.

How does this make me feel? Raw Emotions: Ashamed, Inadequate, a Failure, Sad, Confused, Angry, Anxious, Stressed, Unwomanly, Scared, Fearful, Numb, Jealous, Insecure, Resentful, Desperate, Unstable.  It has been nothing shy of an Emotional Roller Coaster!


 It's disheartening to read the statistics saying that 60% of couples conceive within the first 6 months of trying, and 75% within the first 9 months.  Finally, 90% of couples conceive within 12 months of trying... Okay, so my husband and I are unique.  We require assistance from a specialist and my first appointment is tomorrow.  This doesn't make the emotions go away.  These raw emotions started developing after about 4-5 months of trying to conceive and have magnified in intensity over the last 7-8 months. 


I'm sharing my journey and this blog with you all in hopes of turning a negative situation into one that is positive and helpful for others who might be going through a similar situation... or know someone going through this struggle so they may be of assistance in their healing and transformation.  I will come out of this situation STRONGER, BOLDER, HEALTHIER and ready to help others!

I want others to know it is OK to have these raw emotions, but instead of allowing them to swallow you up in self pity... use them as your ammunition, your ignition, your motivator to create change.  The change is within yourself to take this experience and learn from it.  Learn to appreciate challenges and how they help you find a better appreciation for yourself and others.  Learn to take this time to become introspective and develop your strengths and identity.  My journey is to NOT TAKE ON THE IDENTITY OF BEING AN INFERTILE WOMAN INCAPABLE OF CONCEPTION.  Like any human being, I have my good days and my bad days.  I welcome your input, encouragement, advice, constructive criticism, and wisdom.  My appreciation for life has grown tremendously and I'm enthusiastic about sharing this with others!  I'm hoping the appointment with the Fertility Specialist tomorrow goes well...