IUI #2 It's a go!

My follow-up ultrasound showed no ovarian cysts with normal ovarian size so IUI #2 is a go!  The second piece of good news is even though DH will be out of the country when I ovulate this month, they're able to freeze his sample to then thaw and use for the IUI.  It costs a little more, but I'm thankful we didn't have to delay it another month!  It's almost been 2 years of ... one might say, "what's another month?!?"  Well, when you're aboard this bumpy roller-coaster ride called Infertility... another month can sometimes feel like a year.  The 2ww feels like months.  It occupies your mind.  I live and breath infertility.  It defines me.  This is who I am and I have come to accept that.  So let the journey continue to begin... I've just hopped aboard... again!

Today is CD6!  I've already started the clomid.  I'm trying to think positive, fertile thoughts.  I've been doing breathing exercises daily to help me relax.  The supplemental hormones in fertility treatments make keeping a level head SO MUCH more difficult!  I've finally made an appointment to see a counselor who specializes in infertility and am excited to further explore this.  Of course, I've been living coffee and alcohol free.  I don't miss the alcohol much, but I sure do miss the coffee!  I'm making more of an effort to schedule yoga classes into my daily living.  I'll be going to Body Flow tonight... my first class of the New Year.  I'm also making an conscious effort to eat healthy.  The Holiday season was difficult with all of the candy and chocolate, but it's a New Year and I must have a New Diet!  As much as possible, I try to eat a meatless, dairy and gluten free diet.  I break the rules quite a bit, but at least I'm aware of what goes into my mouth!

Please let IUI #2 be the charm!

Glimpse of Hope

It's been a while since my last post... I started to slip away into the dreaded hole of social and emotional isolation.  I even told my husband at one point about a month ago I wanted to find a place in the woods to live for the winter and "hibernate".  I was tired of facing reality and the hard truth that I can not make my dream to be a mother come true.  I have cried EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past several months.  I realized I do not have a good handle on this situation and therefore it was time for me to reach out and seek help.  I was given the name of two therapists in my area only to call and find out NEITHER of them are taking new patients.  I hung up the phone both times in tears thinking this can't possibly be happening.  It took me hours to build up the courage to make the phone call and then to be rejected at a time of great need... my stomach dropped and I felt helpless.  I have cried like a child, unable to catch my breath.  People have asked me if I have allergies because my eyes seem swollen and I tuck my head and say "yes, my allergies are quite bad this time of year."  I'm embarrassed to tell someone the reason I am so anxious and depressed is because I can't have a child.  Certainly, there are far worse things in life?!?  But, not for me!

Without being able to control my desire to have a child, I've desperately tried to control everything else in my life... my diet, exercise, friends, etc.

And then, I found acupuncture.... (to be continued on next post)

IUI #1 = BFN Sad, Sad, Sad

Lots to catch you up on!  It's been a while since my last post so here it is in a nutshell!

The months of September, October, and November were spent doing acupuncture.  I went once to twice a week for an hour long acupuncture session involving both needles and cupping.  In addition, I drank twice daily traditional Chinese herbal tea.  While each month ended up with a BFN, I did find myself for the first time with a level head.  My mood enhanced significantly!  Before the acupuncture,  I was crying every single day and quite depressed.  I felt as though I had no control over my emotions.  A few weeks after staRting the treatments, I found myself going much longer intervals without bursting into tears for no apparent reason until one day I realized... wow, I can't even remember the last time I cried!  It didn't get be pregnant, but I'm thankful for the positive impact it had on my emotional well-being.

December was our first month of ovarian stimulation with IUI.  On days 3 - 7 of my cycle I took 100mg Clomid daily.  On day 9, I gave myself an injection of Bravelle.  On day 12 I had a transvaginal ultrasound in which the RE noted I had two mature follicles and 3 less mature follies.  That evening I gave myself an injection of Novarel.  On day 14 of my cycle I had the IUI.  They inject 106 million little swimmers into my uterus.  DH and I were very hopeful!  Unfortunately, today the dreaded AF came and I can confirm our first cycle turned out to be a BFN.

As you can imagine, I'm totally bummed.  I've cried pretty much all day long.  My eyes are swollen and red.  I have not made it out of the house today.  The menstrual pain from my endometriosis certainly does not make the situation any better.  Frankly, it's a HUGE SLAP IN THE FACE.  Hey, you're not pregnant... and here are some KILLER CRAMPS while you're at it.  My cramps are terrible today and I've had cramping this entire month (I think from the fertility drugs!).  Ughhh!  SO VERY DISAPPOINTED AND DISCOURAGED.  I have a follow-up Ultrasound scheduled in two days to check for any cyst formation.  The sad news is DH will be out of the country next month during my ovulation week, so we have to skip a month of trying.  Ughh again! FRUSTRATING!

I'm hormonal, crampy, sad, disappointed, discouraged, angry, stressed, anxious, and in an all around sour mood.  Mostly, I'm just sad!  Sad, sad, sad!

Tomorrow is a new day!  Tomorrow is a new day!