Monday, August 27, 2012


It sickens me to count how many months I've FAILED to conceive, but I know I must... It's been 16 months of failure.  Yes, FAILURE.  I feel like such a failure.  I'm currently experiencing AF, who happened to come on with a vengeance.  What is wrong with me?  I'm so sick and tired of this!  I want a child so badly I'd give up anything in the world to have it!  Why can't I be like every body else and get pregnant after a few months of trying.  If we had been successful like the average couple, we'd have an infant in our arms right now!  I've never cried over something so much in my entire life.  I can't even tell people about my infertility problems because I know I will burst into tears... so what do I do instead?  I keep it all in and then explode with emotion when I can no longer contain it.  That's why I'm back to blogging!  It helped me in the beginning and I'd like for it to help again.

I've cut out alcohol, caffeine and  eat only organic meat (no red meat or pork for 4 months).  I exercise more regularly and eat much healthier.  I'm not overweight and never have been.  I'm 5'6 and weigh 145-150 pounds depending upon the day.  I see plenty of obese women getting pregnant, so why can't I?

I'm dying to get a second dog!  My husband is on the fence.  I need to love something!  I need to expand my family in any way I can!  I'm 32 years old and a part of my life is missing!  I'd love to start the adoption papers, but my husband isn't ready for that yet either.  I'm capable of so much love... why can't I have a child?!?  Is this some EVIL JOKE someone is playing on me?  Sometimes I wish I could wake up and this would all end up being a nasty nightmare... and my life could resume with a beautiful family full of kids, dogs, and joy!

I'm so tired of experiencing these GOD AWFUL periods.  It's such a slap in the face to realize that not only have I failed YET AGAIN, but I have to suffer horrible cramps with very heavy bleeding.  Ughhhhh!  FAILURE!

Sorry... just having a rough day and needed to get some things off of my mind...

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