Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Honestly Feeling Bad

To be perfectly honest, I feel like HELL today!  I went to bed early last night hoping to get a good night's rest and wake up in a better mood.  That certainly didn't happen.  I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but knew I had to because I had been lying there for 12 hours. 

I'm depressed today.  Raw Emotions:  Disappointed, Discouraged, Sad, Desperate, Crushed, Confused, Disheartened, Anxious, Scared, Angry, Guilty

Not only do I have my own natural hormones working against me... PMS... my period started today.  I also had my follow-up appointment with the fertility specialist who recommends a hysteroscopy for the removal of the polyp/fibroid in my uterus and a laparoscopy to diagnose and possibly treat endometriosis (uterine tissue growing outside of the uterus).  I've read most endometriosis is diagnosed when a woman realizes their infertile.  I've always known my periods were heavy and painful, but that's how they've always been and I had nothing to compare them to so I thought it must be normal.  In addition, I was on birth control pills for  most of my adult life and therefore suppressed any type of symptom.  

I'm truthfully almost sick to my stomach in fear.  Fear of the unknown... of whether or not this surgery will even help my chances of becoming pregnant.  I'm scared of disappointing my husband.  This is looking to actually be MY issue and he has to suffer the consequences.  I feel as though I should have tried to have kids earlier and maybe none of this would have been an issue... my disease would not have been serious enough to cause problems with fertility.  Now I have to coordinate with the surgeon's schedule and miss work (3 day recovery period after surgery) and I'm just down right SAD, MAD, and SCARED.  

I always hold onto the hope... well maybe if I just don't get my period and get pregnant, I won't have to go through any of this.  Yeah, of course I got my period TODAY!  It's just another SLAP IN THE FACE!  Look, I'm vulnerable... anyone else want to come take advantage of the situation and kick my around a bit? slap me in the face?  Take all of my hope away?  

Now, to try and get a better mindset today.  Yoga!  I'm going to yoga at the gym.  I already have lunch planned with some friends, so will try not to cry during our lunch.  It's a good thing I already have plans and will be held accountable to them because otherwise I'd allow myself to be a hermit and stay inside all day!

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