Sunday, May 13, 2012

Non-Mother's Day

I remember last year at this time when my husband and I were in the first few months of trying to conceive a child and thinking, next year will be so wonderful when we celebrate Mother's Day for the first time as parents.  Well, that obviously didn't come to fruition.  We are still childless!  This is my first Mother's Day knowing my husband and I are dealing with infertility issues.  To say dealing with infertility is a life crisis is an understatement.  I've never cried over something so much in my life... and it's a cycle... every month... it keeps going and going and going!  Disappointment, frustration, anger, fear, sadness...  I still struggle telling people.  I'm afraid they'll view me as a failure, pass judgement upon me, or belittle my feelings and not understand how difficult this journey is for me.  The worst is when they tell you, "it could be worse... you could have cancer!"  I'm also tired of hearing, "if you just let it go, it will happen."   Not true!  The grief of infertility has been likened to that of cancer patients.  I choose to embrace my infertility and proactively fight to overcome it... I will NOT "let it go!"  

If you know someone who is struggling with infertility... please be sensitive to them today!  This is a very difficult day for us!  I've already had a good cry with Shrink on the way to the grocery store purchasing flowers for my one sister who has decided not to have children.  This day might also be difficult for her.  I'm also feeling a little guilty about passing up church with my husband.  I told him it was too hard for me to go to church where everyone brings their children on Mother's Day and the sermon honors all of the Mothers.  It pulls on my heart strings and I need to protect myself today.

To all of my friends and family who are Mothers... I do sincerely wish you a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!  I've already sent out my texts to friends telling them how fabulous they are!  It's hard for me to pick up the phone because I'm vulnerable today, but I won't take this day away from them!  For myself, I wish myself a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY for that child that lives in my heart. The one I can't wait to meet!  One day...

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